Journal of the Wantrapreneur : the pain compass

Going through life, each of us forms our own unique relationship with pain. Whether it is physical, emotional or mental pain, it is rare to hear of someone who has never been hurt. Nor would I trust such a person. Pain tells us we are out of our comfort zone, it signals that something is happening beyond our expected norm. When considering our day to day lives, we often feel discomfort when our expectations aren’t met. These expectations could be long standing paradigms that we believe in and have had challenged, or they could be expectations made from recently acquired information. Generally, when things don’t go according to plan, we feel a little tightness in our chest, some discomfort, some pain. This may vary greatly from person to person. Some people don’t deal with pain very well, others were born from it.

While pain is a very unique feeling, however, societies tend to under harness the potential power of this feeling and instead teach that pain is something to be avoided. I would argue the contrary. Pain is unique and powerful emotion to an individual in the context of his or her life, which instead of being completely steered away from, should be recognize and accepted for what it is. Pain is our emotional response to a stimulus. When thinking about pain or discomfort in this manner, it can actually be used as our own compass to explore our boundaries. Where do our limits lie?

It can be used as a diagnostic tool for not only ourselves but the journeys and projects we embark on throughout life. Okay so this company project doesn’t seem to be doing well, why is that? Why am I suddenly feeling this way when this person brings up ”blank”? Something is happening, it’s not going as I expected and I’m having an emotional reaction. Now that I am aware of my actual boundaries, and where my limits are, where do I go from here? What changes do I need to make to better handle this situation in the future?

Of course actually deploying this style of self-awareness during the live feeling of pain is no simple task, it takes a conscious degree of mindfulness. So practice is key, as practice makes perfect. Actually practice doesn't make perfect, it makes it habits, and habits take very little energy to do. So the more we practice being mindful in life, the sooner we can discover our own limitations, where they come from, if they can be pushed, without even thinking about it.

 As an entrepreneur, it is imperative that we realise when we are out of our depth, and that when we are, we decide that staying the course is what we need to do or to alter it. It’s when we ignore what our bodies are telling us that we begin to suffer. It’s when we continue to act incongruently to who we actually are, that we continue to suffer. So don’t ignore the pain, embrace it, listen to it, accept it, and make the needed changes for you to grown in all areas of your life.

There is a very important lesson that I must follow up with and that is,

We are not our thoughts or our feelings. 

When we identify with a thought or an emotion, especially a negative one, we run the risk of becoming consumed in a world of hurt. In addition, all emotions stem from thoughts. Every feeling you've felt, was sourced from a thought. By policing our thoughts we can become better masters of our house. Awareness is the answer, by observing your thoughts and feelings instead of letting them run your life, we begin to separate the feelings and thoughts based on assumptions from our true selves. Most of our negative thoughts and emotions stem from not knowing. If you don't know, ask, do not base your actions, risk your mental health, or happiness on uninformed assumptions. If you're afraid to ask, maybe that is your pain compass signalling you have some work to do.

Impartial Decision Making for Leaders

One of the most pleasurable moments in life is when we achieve that "aha!" feeling of understanding. Many of these moments occur when taking a look into our past experiences with a newfound perspective. My new perspective was after reading The Practice of Adaptive Leadership, specifically a chapter titled "experiment and take smart risks smartly" (Heiftetz, et al., 2009). Within this chapter, decision making when we think we should not be making any decisions is discussed. Many believe that we can only make a confident decision if the odds are in our favor. From this confidence, we are then able to put our heart and soul into carrying out our decision. The tolerable level of risk for this decision may be 90-10, or 80-20. The analogy used in the Practice of Adaptive Leadership is “getting married” (Heiftetz, et al., 2009).

Photo credit high achievers network

When you get married you are as close to certain as possible that you are about to wed the "one", almost 90-10 certainty. The 10 percent could be the belief that somewhere out there you know, there is another person you could love more than the one you are about to marry. Would someone still get married if the ratio was 60-40? This situation may be more common in our lives than we realized (Heiftetz, et al., 2009).

Adaptive leadership requires us to take an almost “experimental mind-set”, so we do not get too attached to our decisions (Heifetz, et al., 2009). It takes bravery and courage to be confident in our actions when the odds aren't favourable, while holding a competing idea. Thinking experimentally also allows us to be open to failure, which allows the decision maker to learn, and gain valuable experience and insight into the situations they are faced with. This means negative emotions will not get in the way of taking the course of action with the highest chance of success (Mather M,. 2006).

Looking back on my time in the US Navy, I now realize I have witnessed this first hand on an almost daily basis. The military is an organization built upon following orders without question. Those who carry them out correctly are rewarded, while those who don't follow them are punished. This may seem pretty obvious at first, but after dwelling on this subject for a while, an emerging pattern began to arise. 

In the military there are two tiers of authority, officers and the enlisted (grunts). The officers were trained to lead, and the enlisted were trained to carry out the requests of officers. Problems occur when the enlisted rose in rank. The higher ranking you were in the enlisted tier, the more you were accountable to the officers for the enlisted who ranked bellow you. Unfortunately there was never much in the way of leadership training provided for the enlisted as they rose in rank. Rank was normally decided purely on what you knew and your time in service. Moving up in rank with the mentality of never doing anything wrong begins to cripple many in certain situations (Mellers, et al.,1999). For example, decisions had to be made often while officers were not available to give guidance. Many supervisors would prefer not to make a choice until the officer was available to provide more insight, this often led to groups falling behind schedule in maintenance. Their level of certainty in their actions was not great enough for them to avoid getting in trouble and so they would not act.

A supervisor of mine, Nathaniel Hathaway, was a natural leader (or made it look easy). He was confident with every decision he made, even when the choices he made seemed as likely to fail as they were to succeed. He was used to it, and after a while, so were we. We became more confident in his approach, which indeed was experimental like. When things did not go as planned, he would remain impartial and immediately make alterations where necessary. Acting to the best of his knowledge at the time was imperative, not taking any action in a time that calls for action, is bound to leave you worse off than you were. We don't always have time to wait for the risks to lessen, but when we treat our actions as well planned experiments, the worst case scenario is that, you'll know what not to do next time.

Heifetz, R., Grashow, A. & Linsky, M., 2009. The Practice of Adaptive Leadership. Boston: Harvard Business Press.

Mellers, Barbara; Schwartz, Alan; Ritov, Ilana., 1999, Emotion-based choice, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, Vol 128(3), Sep 1999, 332-345. doi:10.1037/0096-3445.128.3.332

Mather M., 2006, A Review of Decision-Making Processes: Weighing the Risks and Benefits of Aging. National Research Council (US) Committee on Aging Frontiers in Social Psychology, Personality, and Adult Developmental Psychology, National Academies Press ,Washington DC, USA, Available from: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK83778/